Years ago, early in my career, a mentor I deeply respected was giving me some feedback. She told me, “Penny, you are an excellent manager.”
She meant it as a compliment. I’m sure she did. But what I heard, and what stayed with me for a long time, was: “You’re a manager, not a leader.”
I stewed on that feedback for months. And it forced me to consider the difference between the two, and which one I wanted to be. At the time, I was proud of being a good manager. I was great at the day-to-day operations like handling logistics, moving projects along, and checking things off the list. But I realized that if I wanted to be a leader, it meant being something else entirely. Becoming a leader would mean charting a course, showing up for my team, and being willing to get in the boat and row alongside them to reach the goals we’d established.
Ultimately, my mentor’s feedback made me look in the mirror. And it helped me realize that if I wanted a team of strategic partners, I had to stop just managing output and start modeling the leadership I expected from them.
Let me preface the following list of “lessons I’ve learned” by saying I absolutely do not have this leadership thing down 100% right. Or even 75% if I’m being honest. My goal is to be just a little bit better with every interaction, with every difficult conversation, and with every celebration.
1. You get others to be present by being present.
Rowing in the boat together requires your full attention, but most of us are professional multitaskers. This is one of the greatest battles I fight every day. But if you’re checking your watch or glancing at your phone during a 1-on-1, you’re signaling to your staff member that your attention and your priorities are elsewhere. And you can’t ask for someone else’s full engagement if you’re only halfway in the room. When you show up — really show up — and listen more than you talk (or fidget), you’re modeling the focus you expect from others.
2. Your actions set the boundaries (not your disclaimers).
We’ve all sent that Saturday afternoon email with the note: “I don’t expect you to respond to this until Monday.” But the second that notification hits their phone, you’ve interrupted their weekend, and most likely, you’ve just caused their cortisol to spike. You’ve signaled that you are working, which means they feel they should be, too. If you absolutely must work nights and weekends but want your team to actually protect their time, use Schedule Send for normal business hours. That text you’re about to send because it’s on your mind and you don’t want to forget? Yeah … you can schedule that too. You set boundaries (and expectations) through what you do, not what you say.
3. Get out from behind the desk.
The life of a school (and the joy) doesn’t happen in offices or behind desks. And if you expect your team to be visible and out in the hallways, at the games, and talking to parents, they need to see you doing it first. You cannot lead a relational department if your head is always buried in copyediting and spreadsheets. When you’re visible in the life of the school, you’re giving your team the “all-clear” to get out of their chairs and do the same.
4. If they make a mistake, it’s your mistake.
I’ve always believed that if a team member drops the ball, I’m the one who needs to look in the mirror first. Did I set clear expectations? Did I give them the tools they actually needed? Was I there when they requested assistance? Regardless of the point of failure, when an employee trips up, you’re the one who needs to take the heat. Doing so changes the entire dynamic of the office, because your team will know that if things go sideways, you aren’t going to hang them out to dry.
5. Share the “Why” behind the “What” to get to the “How.”
If you want strategic partners who are fully committed to your school’s work, they need context. And that includes explaining the “why,” or the reason your department or the school is moving in a certain direction. But moving from the “why” to the “how” should be a two-way street. Instead of “Here’s the plan and this is why we’re doing it,” try “Here’s the goal, now how would you get us there?” When you ask for the “how,” you’re acknowledging that you value their insights and partnership, and not just their ability to execute a given task.
As difficult as it was to receive that “compliment” from my mentor all those years ago, I’m nothing but grateful for it now. Moving from manager to leader isn’t a one-time title change, and it doesn’t suddenly click because you read the latest, greatest leadership book or took the personality test and gained a deeper understanding of yourself and your teammates. Leadership is a practice that requires constant evolution and ongoing self-reflection. I’m still working on it every day, with every interaction, and with every relationship. And it’s about choosing to be the leader your team deserves, especially on the days when it’s a whole lot easier to just be the manager.
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